WHY?

Maybe I haven’t been clear about what I’m doing and why I am doing it.  Maybe I can answer that question. Maybe I cannot.

I am about to turn 39 (in September) and am sure that it is the last good year I will have…until I save enough drive through change to get some work done (Only half kidding! Maybe 1/3 even.) OR ever! I have one good year left before my downward spiral and I don’t want to waste it worrying if anyone notices my muffin top. Or if they think that I am too lumpy to pull “that” off. There is not a padded push-up bra in the world that can direct all attention to my only decent feature…boobs. I like them, but they are still neighbors to some extra flabby tummy skin and they live right around the block from a hideous ass…literally. A. Hideous. Ass! Awful.  My Spanx scream when they see me open the drawer.

So I have a month (ish) to get my shit together so I can start my 39^th year on a positive note instead of turning it into a mid-life crisis.

I am logging my journey in the hopes that knowing that any random person could stumble upon it and actually pay attention might help me succeed. Surely I am still playing it safe by not getting personal…I’m not sure if I could take it if my friends and family knew this was me. I know I’m shallow, and they might know that I’m shallow, but I don’t want to know that they know. (Remember …all hail me! Queen of the Crazies!)

I thought about posting pictures…nope. Thought’s gone.

Day Whatever.

Okay 4, it's day 4 already...

So I lied. To myself. Which I do a lot of. It is the 27^th. I should have lost some weight, water weight anyway, not that I started by weighing myself. I hadn’t. BUT I did this morning…omgosh. I am seriously chubby. Not that I didn’t know that, but there is that all-powerful denial that I am in. If I don’t have a number to associate my size with I can convince myself that I am “not that bad.” Maybe I used to be somebody’s goal weight, but now I am 10 pounds heavier (and by heavier I MEAN fatter) than anybody’s (in my mind) goal weight. AND 20 pounds heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight. Have I mentioned that I am completely insane? Well, consider it done! I am Queen of the crazies! All hail, me! LOL!

On a positive note, I have had a good day (yeah, yeah, it’s only 3pm) of watching what I eat and I got a bit of cardio in this morning. Still working on the water…when my eyes are dry I know I am not getting enough. I am not getting enough!

Day Whatever continues and I have a great “diet” day – even with Starbucks – until 9pm…then I raid my kid’s candy stash. And for the record it is never any freaking candy that I buy. It is so thoughtfully donated by friends and family. Do they let their kids eat this crap? Just wondering.

Day 2 - actually the 25th

Seriously? Lost it completely today! The kid and I ventured out to the fair to see my sister and my niece. Something about my family makes me eat! I think it might be because I am the only one who is not really overweight. So I hide the fact that I’m “dieting” (so they don’t feel badly about themselves?? Or about the fact that I am insane?) and just eat what they eat. WTF? I felt pretty horrible even before the first bite – although I DO love Fair Food. I hadn’t “budgeted” that in until next week once the State Fair is here (yes I am a regular fair-goer) and I had several days of consistently healthful eating in. Today I didn’t even get an elephant ear, which is my once a year treat that I thoroughly enjoy Every. Single. Last bite of. So when next week rolls around I will already hate myself for overindulging on day fucking two that I will feel guilty with every bite.  But I’m sure as hell still getting one. ;)

Yes, people have real problems. Some people can’t even afford food (or shelter, or other basic necessities) and I paid $10 for food I didn’t even need. Poor me, I know. Absurd.

At least I did make it to the gym this morning for a couple miles on the treadmill and about 6 miles on the bike – even if it was an easy 6. Still more activity than I have had all last week. Which reminds me I forgot to call the chiropractor today…

I have also had a lot of water today – one more positive note. I am not sure that I haven’t sweated out every spare bit though. Need to fill up the water jug!

This is it!

Day 1                                                                                                                            July 24, 2011

This is it! I have wavered for too long and the only thing getting in my way is me…the voices…the negative side of me. The voices are figurative, like the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. The angel seems to have been eaten, by me, along with everything else I can get my lips around.

I wondered if journaling would be helpful. It seems to be for so many. Accountability. I can’t seem to hold myself accountable to me, only to those around me who may potentially judge me for being chubby and lazy – so far from the person I used to be.  But what if I blogged? I’m still not 100% behind the idea…I mean who really cares what I am going through? And I’m not a writer.

History: I am a 38ish white female. Married for almost 16 years, stay at home mom to a 4 year old, who has a pretty kick-ass (and by kick-ass I mean EASY) life where my biggest concern is raising my kid! Life of luxury compared to many…not that we are debt free or rolling in extra cash, but we can afford to do so many great things and I realize how stupid it is to be completely miserable because I am a little overweight…but it eats away at me. I never said I was not self-absorbed. Oh I AM!

I should be “over the moon” about my life. So judge me!

Back to my point: Once I started working out I never looked back. I wasn’t taught the benefits of diet and exercise as a youth. It was more like eat all of the food on your plate and go outside and play.  That was it. Exercise regimen…what? So I started working out (after a brief attempt in my early 20’s) and never looked back in 1999. The “diet” part didn’t come into play until much later.

What happened to the once fit me? Life. The unexpected. I wasn’t planning to get pregnant and I sure as hell wasn’t planning to have postpartum depression and then one problem after another physically…it has spiraled out of control. My kid is 4 1/2…FOUR and a f’ing HALF. And I am still chubby and soft and some days I can’t stand the sight of myself.

I have placated myself with the notion that I am actually some one’s goal weight. And I am. I’m not obese, just squishy and lumpy. Oh, and somewhere along the line I lost me…ME. I lost her, so now I really am a completely different person and I am not as well mannered as I used to be and I care less about it!

So this is the start of my story. I am aiming to make changes. Trying to be a better person, nicer to my family, and ultimately fit and strong again!

Sadly, I am starting off day one by not going to the gym. I popped something in my back last Sunday and am contemplating seeking medical help…contemplating. I am a huge fan of “ignore it and it will go away.” But it’s been a week. It may not just go away. But so far today (it’s not close to being over) I have made sound choices towards a healthy diet. Except that I need more water! 2:30pm and counting!